Humor

Do not fight with dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup
Dear Lord, If you can't make me skinny, please make my friends fat
Dear Lord, I need your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Anyone who says money can't buy happiness, doesn't know where to shop
Always do right.  This will gratify some and astonish others
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt
Dusting test in process.  Do not disturb samples
Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering come back.  You'll be devastated then!
My idea of housework is to sweep a room with a glance
I started with nothing....I still have most of it left
Countless on numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and have gone on to lead normal lives
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anyone who owns hideous clothing
A two year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film
My formula for success?  Rise early, work late, strike oil
Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most
Sleep is an excellent way to listen to an opera
The only problem with mornings is that they happen to early in the day
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and mental illness
We're lost but we're making good time
When I get the urge to clean, I lie down until is passes
An optimist will tell you the glass is half full.  The pessimist will tell you the glass is half empty.  The engineer will tell you the glass is twice a big as it needs to be.
All of our guests bring us pleasure, some by coming, others by leaving
Here I am!  Now what are your other two wishes...
I can please one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow isn't looking good either
I don't repeat gossip....so listen closely the first time
I fought the weeds and the weeds won
I speak only for myself and not for the other voices in my head
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead
If thine enemy wrong thee....buy each of his children a drum
If you can't laugh at yourself, you might be missing the joke of the century